I can’t count on one hand the number of conversations I had with friends in my early 20s in which we discussed our gratitude for being alive during a time when women could finally have it all.
Heady from my time at university, I had stumbled out into the adult arena with an unshakable belief that I could carve out my career as a freelance journalist, take several quick breaks to nurture the babies that I’d always dreamed of having, and then fall straight back into employment to continue my rise to the top.
But, now in my thirties and starting to think about having a second child (my first now just over a year old), I have to face the harsh truth that having it all still isn’t possible for most women. Because, yes, women now have equal rights in the workplace (in theory), and so on paper, we can have children and a career all at once, but in reality, the motherhood penalty is one that many of us can’t outperform – no matter how hard we work. And recent research reflects this.
This year, the number of deaths in England and Wales could exceed the number of births, which has only happened once before, in 2020. The last time there were enough children born to stop the population from declining was in the early 1970s. Our total fertility rate, at 1.49 children per woman and ever-decreasing, is far below the 2.1 required to sustain population growth, despite the fact that research suggests women would like, on average, to have two or three children.
And the reason for all of this? Well, experts, research and many of my peers make the case that women are not having the number of children they would like because of the “motherhood penalty”, which makes them worse off and less secure in their jobs.
The study, carried out by the think tank Onward, found factors such as lack of financial support for new mothers and high childcare costs meant families could not afford more children. In short, as it stands, choosing to have a child feels as though it places a major ceiling on your career, whether you want it to or not.
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I love my daughter and have always dreamed of having more than one child, but I’ve also spent the last 13 years building a career that I not only love, but also affords me a good lifestyle – one where I am not perpetually stressed by my finances or anxious about whether I’ll be able afford my next bill. On top of that, my work gives me a feeling of purpose and a deep sense of self-worth and keeps me feeling focused and in control – without it, I’d be lost. But when I force myself to reimagine a future where my sociable, fun-loving daughter is an only child, I feel lost at the thought, too.
Six months into my return from mat leave, though, I am still nowhere near where my earnings used to be. This places more pressure on my husband to support the household and has, at times, been the source of conflict between us.
Onward has now launched a new campaign with Mumsnet, which it hopes can ‘move the dial’. They’ve called on the Government to double the length of time that new mothers receive a higher rate of statutory maternity pay, as well as more access for fathers to paternity leave. It said evidence showed that becoming a mother was associated with earning less each month and saving less in later life, The Times reported. The think tank suggests that women want more children, but the ‘motherhood penalty’, which makes them worse off and less secure in their jobs, is putting them off. But is it too little, too late?
Amelia* seems to think so. “I delayed having my son, who’s now five, for years because I was terrified of the impact it would have on my career,” she tells Glamour UK. “We don’t live near any family really and we’ve already shelled out thousands in childcare costs each month for my son. Meanwhile, I’ve spent four years grafting harder than I ever have before to try and get myself back to where I was before and the ground still feels shaky, I’m not convinced that I’ll really ever feel safe again.”
In fact, Amelia's career feels so fragile, that she can’t afford to risk having a second child. “I’m the breadwinner in the family and I had to make the choice between knowing that I could definitely provide for our son or risking that I wouldn’t be able to properly provide for two children instead. I remember saying to my husband, I feel like I’d effectively be working to afford to put our second child into full-time childcare so that I could work more hours and not end up seeing them very much anyway.
“I don’t think I’d ever find the faith to have another child now,” she adds. “Even with the research being carried out, there’s such a long way to go that by the time real change happens, I’ll be long past the point where the decision to have children is in my hands.”
For Jessica*, having a “brood” of children won out over a career, but her decision hasn’t come without its doubts and hardships. “I’m an only child and found growing up quite lonely,” she explains. “I was always jealous of friends who had siblings and often thought about how my lack of any meant that at some point in the future, once my parents had passed on, I’d be the sole member of that family left, with no one who really understood anything from the same position.”
So, determined to give her own offspring a different experience, she and her husband chose to have three children despite knowing that it would mean stepping back from her high-powered corporate career.
“I did love my job, but I just couldn’t imagine sitting around a table in my twilight years and not seeing a gaggle of faces looking back,” she tells me. “I managed to juggle my job by putting my first child into full-time childcare when she was six months old, but after I had my second, it just wasn’t viable to keep working the long hours, attending the networking events I needed to in order to stay ‘known’ or ‘jumping online’ over the weekend with hardly any notice.”
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Jessica quit her job and retrained as a coach to allow herself more flexibility and freedom over her working hours and commitments, but the road hasn’t been an easy one. “I would never, ever regret having my children but I have definitely gone through some darker times, where I feel resentful toward my husband for having retained his job, where I feel of lower value than I used to when I worked in the city and where I feel frustration at the fact that I haven’t really been able to plough as much time and energy into making my coaching business into what I believe it could be, because I just can’t give it those extra things and be the point of call for my children.”
Neither Jessica or Amelia’s story make me feel better about the decision that I am currently faced with, and though I found both women inspiring, I didn’t feel inspired by their stories, I felt sad, angry and trapped. No matter how hardworking we are, how intelligent or savvy we are, or how groundbreaking what we offer is, the motherhood penalty must be paid in full by most of us who choose to have children, and there’s no positive way to frame that.
“We’ve made huge strides in progressing gender equity in recent times, with businesses giving attention and investment into closing the gender pay gap. But the interventions typically don’t go far enough to really shake up the longstanding cultural norms and practices.
Ultimately, there is still an expectation that the woman will be the primary caregiver and there isn’t enough support for men to step into that space.
In addition, the culture of overwork as the only route to career success doesn’t then allow for parents to balance their career ambitions with commitments at home,” Samantha Walls, Parental Career Expert and Client Lead on Parental Transition Coaching for the FTSE 100 tells Glamour UK. “Unless an organisation is willing to remove barriers that women face, they will continue to face really tough decisions about going back to work in terms of childcare and balancing their career with the needs of their child.”
For Lauren Goodman, a Business Coach and founder of Bluebird Creative Education, avoiding the motherhood penalty entirely feels far off. “There are definitely ways it is easier, but the reality of it being avoided is not possible until women have more support in flexible working, etc.,” she says, adding: “Of course, a supportive and balancing partner goes a long way alongside childcare support.”
However, when I ask Walls what advice she would give to someone who is weighing up having kids or having a career, she explains that it’s a “real shame” that some women see these choices as mutually exclusive. “I don’t think it has to be that way,” she says. “I speak as a mother of three boys who works full time, and I won’t pretend it’s easy, but I need both to fill my cup, and I wouldn’t change a thing.”
“I think in the first instance, it’s really important to have a conversation with your partner around expectations for dual parenting, to ensure that you are both on the same page. It’s also essential to scrutinise the support your employer has in place, both in terms of their parental benefits but also what is the perception as you look around the firm,” she advises.
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“What I find hugely heartwarming is that there are lots of companies who really do want success for other working parents. They often talk about looking to their colleagues that already have children and learning from how they manage their boundaries and are very aware of the example they themselves set as a working parent.”
For Goodman, it comes down to getting to grips with all the variables before making a decision: “As someone who has done it and guides people through the process, I would say children bring so much joy into your life, but for so many people so does their career. I think being realistic in terms of the time and support you have available is a huge thing to consider. Who you can rely on to be around, and considerations on child care costs are all things to be aware of if you are weighing up your options.
“If you work in a company, what benefits do workplaces offer in terms of support, maternity leave and flexible working? Don't be afraid to ask the difficult questions,” she urges.
And does it make a difference being freelance, like me? I ask her. She’s not sure: “It is a difficult one to weigh up. Naturally, there is a bit more flexibility in terms of time if you are self-employed, but even with a more flexible schedule, you do have to make the time up elsewhere. Being self-employed also means less support around mat leave than being in a full-time job. It is a balancing act, and I think the challenges are still there, just in a different capacity.”
I guess I’m left feeling that, though perhaps it’s not a direct choice between a career of any kind and a second child, it’s certainly a dampening down of the dreams I had for my life, in one way or another. And I can’t honestly tell you what my own future holds when it comes to having more children, but I can tell you that I hope when it comes to my own daughter having children in decades to come, her decision-making process weighs less heavy.
